Monday, December 22, 2008

Dyanne Thorne Week: Isa She-Devil of the S.S.

"I said you would not return to the camp as before.
I made no promise beyond that."

Recently at Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire, Empress Kate was discussing how to determine the fapability of Nazi characters1—i.e. can you, in good conscience, masturbate to a particular Nazi character? It was widely recognized that where female Nazis are concerned, there is no real decision to be made. Kate has a flow chart for male Nazis, so here is mine for females:

Here is where we get to Ilsa: She-Wolf of the S.S. in the form of Dyanne Thorne.

Dyanne is certainly fapable. From Sin in the Suburbs to Real Men, Chesty Anderson, USN to the four Ilsa films, she is a sex bomb. We'll look at the movie, but part of the problem with Ilsa is "why is she sexy" and "why is that acceptable?" Obviously, I am no prude. I'm an atheist who reads the Marquis de Sade and runs a mildly pornographic blog. So, I'm not judging, just questioning.

Dyanne Thorne has a great body: fact. Ilsa is a tough chick with powerful sexual desires: fact. Both are typically seen a) in a sexy uniform, b) in lingerie, or c) bare assed. The problem is that Ilsa is evil. Not the dog kicking, rob you, get you fired kind of evil. We are talking genocidal, medical experimenting, genital mutilating, electrodes up the hoo-hah evil. Sure, it is all fake, and her victims tend to be the likes of Uschi Digard, but shouldn't this detract from her sexiness? My mind says "yes", but an equally willful part of me says "no."

Perhaps it is not the acts which we perceive, but the sense of depravity. "This chick will do anything," our libido says. And our libidos are attracted to chicks who will do anything. Oh that wacky reptilian brain!

The important things to know about Ilsa are a) well, she's a crazy bitch, b) she is a "scientist" who is convinced women have a higher pain threshold than men (this is likely), and c) she has never been satisfied by a man. This last part, as you can imagine, is her downfall. The evil Nazi succubus must be tamed by the American cock-master, a man who can withhold his orgasm indefinitely.

As in the three Ilsa films we'll see here (I have never seen Tigress of Siberia), Ilsa has her posse, typically near twin chicks who are just dying to make her happy. Her two main assistants are even Thorne look-alikes of sorts, and do much of the dirty work. In She-Wolf of the S.S., she also has a third assistant; a rather hideous looking female guard who wants to prove she is one of the guys.

Ultimately Ilsa can't quit her new American stud, and is hurt that she cannot seem to bring him to orgasm. She takes it out on the other prisoners, but finally gets so out of whack that the prisoners lead a revolt.

And now, without further ado... Titties and gore!

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Title Card

So, is this a neat cinematic effect, or does Ilsa like to watch herself?

It is a nice view, though.

Almost there... Not yet... Not YET...

You should have waited...

That shower nozzle should work nicely.

Oh yeah... That's the spot...

But you said I wouldn't go back to the camp like before!

Oh, it wont be like before...

Ilsa has the best 'crazy eyes' ever! And they get better than this!

Hey, isn't that Col. Klink's office?

If you look closely, you might see LeBeau climbing out from under the dog house :-)

Ilsa meets the cock-master.

Chatting with her assistants while they do... whatever the fuck they are doing to that chick.

One of the eunuchs tells cock-master how Ilsa treats those who cannot satisfy her.

Work detail in the guard barracks.


This one has some penis envy issues.

This is science. Ilsa-style!

I don't wanna sound gay or nuthin, but I'll need to see that thing hard before I believe it's going to save they day!

And that's all in the 1st 20 minutes! More to come from this classic!


Tenebrous Kate said...

I'm gonna go ahead and APPROVE that flow-chart.

The flagrantly unapologetic nature of the Ilsa character amazed me when I first watched "She Wolf." It's such a filthy, bad-assed movie that refuses to pull its punches. Dyanne Thorne is a force of nature, a dirty comic book character brought to life, and her screen presence really makes the movie work.

Darius Whiteplume said...

I am glad you approve of the flow chart (I did not realize how odd the term "flow chart" sounds when discussing auto eroticism until just this moment ;-).

I really need to get to the ice block, and when Ilsa's boss makes his "special request."

Keith said...

I would definitely have banged Ilsa. Not sure that would have turned out to be a good thing for me since only one man seems to have been able to satisfy her. :-)

I'll be honest that a part of me always feel guilty watching movies like this. I guess it's because I have so many Jewish friends. My last girlfriend was Jewish. I definitely don't share this piece of my movie watching with them at all. lol